WHY DOESN’T SHE JUST LEAVE HIM?

I have heard that so many times.  Society does not seem to understand the powerful effects of trauma bonding between a narcissist and their victim.  I went back to “my narc” about ten times before I finally left him.  He had created a “trauma bond” between us by engaging in a pattern of cruel, callous treatment alternating with random bursts of affection, known as the “Domestic Cycle of Abuse.”  But like most victims of abuse, I still loved him. 

At the beginning of my relationship with him, there was no sign of potential abuse. He was charming, kind, generous and attentive. He often said the right things, and “swept me off my feet.” I fell in love with his treatment of me, as he seemed to adore me. This is called “love-bombing”.  He was also an international mining magnate, super wealthy, adventurous and liked to “live life on the edge” so the relationship was never boring. But then, the first incident of abuse occurred and everything changed.

Stages of “Domestic Cycle of Abuse” that I experienced:

1. Tensions Building

Over time, as the initial love-bombing phase began to fade, stress from daily life crept in.  I became scared of angering him and felt like I was “walking around on eggshells”. I felt I could no longer calmly communicate with him as the slightest thing would “send him off”.  The tension became intense.

2. Incident

Eventually, the tensions boiled over, and he lashed out in order to establish control. This was firstly in the form of verbal and emotional abuse but gradually became financial abuse. He wanted to “enslave” me and take all my money to disempower me.

3. Reconciliation

Following the abuse, he tried to justify his angry tirade, the nasty name-calling and for belittling me, suggesting that it was both our faults.  He then minimized the abuse, labelling it “a fight all couples have” and “not that bad”.  He accused me of “overreacting” and gaslit me by reciting a different version of the event. Eventually he begged me to reconcile, whole-heartedly professing his love for me and assuring me it would never happen again.

4. Calm/Honeymoon phase

Following the reconciliation phase, calm eventually was restored; the abuse forgotten, leading into the “honeymoon phase”, until tensions began building again and the cycle started all over again.

Follow my poignant story in my newly released memoir “For the Love of Russian Gold”. Published by Koehler Books, USA.

https://hdnbc.org/cycle-of-abuse